Sunday, August 2, 2026

Odysseus notes

I saw The Odyssey this weekend with my family. It is a film that makes you really feel family. I took notes (I found it quite difficult to take notes in the dark. I couldn't see the paper!) Below are all the notes that were legible, with comments. 

"A gift...an idea...a trick..."

The movie starts metapoetically with a poet tapping a stick, stringing together words, abstractly, a kind of stream of consciousness poem introducing a theme, "an idea...a thought...a trick." These words return as the theme gets expanded later in the movie when Odysseus (as a beggar) tells Penelope:

"What if the Odysseus you knew lost his way? What if...one night, in a strange city, he saw things that made him think the home he knew couldn't possibly be there anymore. What if…when he left the belly of the horse, and opened the gates of Troy, he saw ten years of rage pour into that city in one night? We left them a gift, an offering of peace, that they took into their home. We violated all that's ever sacred between people. It turned a fight into a hunt. To burn the walls of Troy was to burn the world-entire. Including his home.What if he knew, that very night, as he walked through fires, anarchy, and pain—and in a daze of sweaty celebrations that follow—what if he knew exactly what he'd done?"One man's idea. One man's trick to break Zeus's law forever. We lived in a world of palaces and trade, language, blind to its beauty, until we broke it. Our age of bronze is collapsing, and maybe he couldn't bear to see the ruins of what he'd done. Anywhere. Least of all, his home."

"Movie stars"

Nolan uses movie stars perfectly in this film. It's like watching the Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston. The film uses real life couple Zendaya and Tom Holland, the biggest millenial stars in Hollywood, as supporting actors. In fact, in the next theater over the new Spiderman was playing starring... Zendaya and Tom Holland. But Matt Damon and Anne Hathaway, for the Gen Xers, were both fantastic as the more seasoned leads too. Robert Pattinson is a great. He was also in a recent movie with Zendaya , The Drama. Mia Goth, Lupita Nyong'o. It's stacked! The star power just makes everything feel more mythic. But also there were plenty of surprising casting choices too, like John Leguizemo (great) and Elliot Page as Sinon. But my favorite was Bill Irwin as the cyclops. He brought so much pathos to the character.
I loved how the cyclop's one eye was sideways. He side-eyes you! It looks like a Picasso cubist painting, disorienting.

"Open Belly"

Telemachus' mentor, Mentor, tells him to expose his belly to the enemy so the enemy trusts him and he can then move in for the thrust. This seems like good advice at the time. But by the end of the movie it is revealed that this is breaking the law of Zeus. We see it in Odysseus speech mentioned above, "We left them a gift, an offering of peace, that they took into their home. We violated all that's ever sacred between people."

"Shroud"

Penelope is weaving and unweaving and reweaving a funeral shroud for her father and this is how she keeps away the suitors. I love how mythic this is. The "Father" is both her father and the father of her child, Odysseus, simultaneously. She is weaving it as a funeral shroud for both of them, but it has an ironic urgency for Odysseus. She refuses to believe he is dead, so the funeral shroud for "Father" cannot be finished.
 
The shroud is also a metaphor for the poem, the lines on the loom like the lines of text, both of which must be woven before Odysseus' story is over.

"The power of the sacrifice is in the cost of the person making it. Monstrous."

Odysseus is explaining to Penelope about Agamemnon sacrificing his daughter. She calls this monstrous. Unlike Agamemnon Odysseus refused to sacrifice his son. I think this may be read as a critique of Christianity by Nolan.

Penelope says, "Love's not a sacrifice." Odysseus replies, "Of course love is a sacrifice."
But he's not talking about sacrificing his son, but himself, for Ithaca. The difference is crucial.

"Batman"

There is an early battle scene when we see Agamemnon shot from below. He cuts an imposing figure in black armor. It looked very aesthetically cool. (The early Greeks had a great sense of style, and Nolan capitalizes on this). I realized as I was watching the film that Agamemnon looked like...The Dark Knight in Nolan's Batman movie. Clever.
 
"Cyclops/ Grendel""

The Cyclops scene, like the poet reciting a poem within the poem, reminded me of Beowulf. The Cyclops is Grendel eating the warriors in the mead hall. It's terrifying and funny all at once. It's the primordial monster story. And, later when the Cyclops is shot in the eye, it's sad too. This is the son of Poseidon (like Grendel was his mother's son) and he is just a big boy who eats ants. Kudos again to Bill Irwin who makes all of this particularly haunting with his tragic face.
 
"Popcorn seeds aren't bad "

This note didn't have to do with the movie per say. I realized that if you just think of the seeds as chewy hard savory candy, they are actually pretty good.
 
"Panic
piss and shit"

This refers to the scene inside the Trojan horse. This scene was filmed brilliantly. Odysseus talks about telling the story "from within." He means this figuratively and literally. You never think about what it would have been like for the men hiding in the horse, how difficult it would've been to be quiet in their own accumulated "piss and shit" and extreme claustrophobia. You feel it in this movie. It's a metaphor for being "in the film".

Nolan's idea of bringing this part of the Iliad into the story of the Odyssey is smart. It gives you a sense of both Odysseus' brilliance as a strategian and of his crime which, "breaks Zeus's law forever," by turning a gift of peace into a weapon, which then leads to the figurative death of Athena.
 
"Violence is more real in film"

You feel the violence in this movie more than you do in reading the Odyssey. That's one thing films can do better than novels or poems. It's not easy anymore because we have become inured to film violence, but Nolan does a pretty good job of making you feel the impact, which underscores the pain of the lessons.
 
"men with their appetites"

Upon reflection, the Circe scenes might be the best in the film. Watching Circe turn the men into pigs reminded me of the scene in Spirited Away when Chihiro's parents turn to into pigs. (Miyazaki took this idea from Homer of course). And just like Odysseus, Chihiro knows better than to eat the food offered to her. It's an ancient cautionary tale.
 
I read that the film crew spontaneously applauded after Samantha Morton's performance. It is wickedly good.
 
The conclusion to this scene is a bit confusing. Afterward I did a deep dive on it and the whole crow/sister thing has a cool backstory in Greek mythology. In the film Circe turned her sister into a crow, and says "we get along better this way," but when Odysseus threatens to kill the crow Circe shows that she really cares. We talked about this idea with the girls after the film and I said, "Never turn your sister into a crow, girls," and Sofia said, "it's too late." I pointed out to her that Circe, in Nolan's rendering, comes through for her sister in the end, which I know Sofia would do too.
 
There is a great psychological insight in this scene. Circe thinks all men are pigs, so she turns them into pigs, but Odysseus asks, "did they hurt you?" She says no, and he explains that they meant no harm, they were just hungry, and they just want to go home. She was biased against them because of her own past trauma. (And, you know, men). She comes around though because of the reasoning of Odysseus. And because he puts the knife down and does not kill her sister, the crow. A reasonable good-hearted man can make a difference. Nolan's Odysseus is better-hearted than Homer's, and I appreciate that.

All of this sister/crow stuff is very easy to miss. There's always this kind of thing in a Nolan films I think, like the ending of Inception, which is completely up in the air and open to interpretation. The ending of The Odyssey is also open to interpretation. Some read the ending as Odysseus dying at the hands of the suitors and sailing off to the "Western Sun," or death, or the afterlife, with Penelope.
 
"Calypso framing device"

Nolan has this cool device where Odysseus is trying to remember his past and narrating it to Calypso. It's smart and used well. There's a scene, for instance, when they are sailing and Odysseus says, "The sea was calm just long enough to lure us into Zeus's sky." (In other words, don't be fooled by calm). But I just generally like the idea of the hero narrating his own story by remembering it, as if waking up to it.

"Sirens/ Lotus flower"

The Sirens scene is really well done. It's used as a way for Odysseus to reflect that he has wishes he wishes he didn't have and that part of him doesn't really want to go home.
 
Sirens and Lotus flowers. Sex and drugs. Fiending can get in the way of home life, a tale as old as time, and one that millions of men and women are still in the throes of dealing with, so the story still speaks to us. But what's especially poignant about this film is that it gets underneath the reasons why we sometimes fall into temptation, why we need to fill the hole. Our guilt doesn't allow us to accept love. We are looking for something to take away the pain. It's the Trojan war (PTSD?) that is driving Odysseus.
 
"Give yourself up to the storm. Give up control"

Athena says this to Odysseus at the end of his journey. It goes deep because early in the film Penelope tells Telemachus that being a man is about making choices. This is true for the young man, perhaps, but here, at the end, it's more about giving in and giving up control.
 
Odysseus is humbled and he becomes a mere beggar.
 
"Clearest view of a man is from below"

There are many great lines worth pondering in this film and this is one of them. You can see men better from a humble position, looking up at them. In other words, a man in a position of power will show his true colors when you are looking through sorrow and leveled humanity. Odysseus has been chastened.

"Zeus seems interested in the outcome"

Zeus doesn't really care about the outcome in the original Homeric text, because man is just a product of fate. But Nolan makes it so freewill enters the picture. Even Zeus doesn't know what Odysseus is going to do. He "seems interested."
 
"Songs will be all we have to remember"

We remember here that The Odyssey was originally a song. That poetry lasts. I'm reminded of something I read recently, that songs are the last thing senile people remember, even after they have forgotten everything else.

"Athena's head"

At the end end of the movie we realize that Odysseus' vision of Athena is predicated upon a young girl who he watched being killed in the Trojan war (played beautifully by Zendaya). This death is the result of the "gift horse," his "trick." He was responsible for the death of the girl, and therefore the goddess. Because he killed her, she becomes the face of Athena, who represents his consciousness. He learns to listen to Athena, which helps get him back home. This is a beautiful idea well executed by Nolan.




Wednesday, July 8, 2026

hi mr. degraff

hi mr. degraff, 


i know this is out of the blue and anything far from formal. i figured i’d ask you because you seem very at peace and well in tune with your own emotional regulation and whatnot. i know we didn’t talk much either, and we aren’t really the closest, but i think i have anxiety. i constantly overthink things to the point of them impeding on my sleep, daily pleasures, and even relationships. do you have any words of wisdom to help me? please? again, i’m aware it’s a bit of an “out-of-the-blue” email, but i again figured you would know best. one day i’d like to say i’d lived my life to the fullest and still am, so im asking someone that i think has done that. 

Dear, Michael,

It ain't easy, but the best thing I can say is to learn to shut off your thoughts. When you can't sleep, slow your breath down and try to count 10 breaths without sustaining a thought (other than counting). You will fail. Try again. Keep trying. Be competitive with yourself about it. Eventually you will get to the place where you can shut down your thoughts. But the thoughts are wily. The ego is tricky. It doesn't want to shut down. So you are in a competition with your own ego. Who will win? 

Let's say you are up all night, just doing that. That's a great night of meditation practice!

Then just keep riding those breaths until you are aligned with being itself. No stress. And remember the acrostics? they are proof that our subconscious mind is wiser than we are. So just be at peace and let the larger Life intentions guide you. 

A little worry can help guide you, but a lot of worry is the thing that you most need to worry about. 

There is also exercise, which can be a huge relief from anxiety. Swimming is good. I dance!

I do live life fairly fully, but I have a LOOOONG way to go, to fully inhabiting my senses and potential. Managing anxiety is a challenge for all of us.

Master 10 breaths without thought. That's your simple, but nearly impossible, task.

Friday, April 17, 2026

Flayed!

 Yesterday in in class we were finishing up 1984. In the novel the main character, Winston Smith, has to go into room 101 and face his biggest fear, being devoured by rats. He can't deal though and so betrays his love, Julia. I asked the students what their worst fears were. Most of them said loneliness and isolation.  Then I asked the follow up question, "Would you betray your loved ones to escape your worst fear?" This put them on pause. One student asked me what mine was and I said it was being flayed. Then they asked me if I would betray loved ones to avoid that. I said I didn't think so, but couldn't know for certain without being in that situation. Then I a had a crazy revelation. I said, Wait a minute, I HAVE been in that situation! They started at me like, what? I told them the story of riding a motorcycle when I was 19. My girlfriend at the time was on the back of the bike. We hit patch of gravel on a turn and the bike flipped. I remember that even as I was skidding face first on the gravel, my front side being, essentially, flayed, having the thought, Thank God she is on the my back right now so she's not getting her skin ripped off too. 

Monday, February 9, 2026

Poem for Truck #64

 I should write you  more often, I know.

But you are always in my thoughts.

For instance, I was thinking of you

as I was skipping down Skillman

this afternoon in the cold sun

of Sunnyside Queens


It's freezing don't you know.


But I was raring to go

once I started going


I had to do that


but then you know

put on Afrobeats

artist Tems

because she was a clue

in the most recent New Yorker crossword

medium difficulty


She guest appeared with Dave 

(Dave is his whole name which I love.

I also love rhyming love with Dave.

Damn, how long can this aside go on?

A little longer I'm afraid : )


Oh hi!

I'm writing a poem again.

I almost forgot what that feels like.

It's a good thing to forget.

And even better to remember again.


Anyway, the name of the album is

The Boy Who Played The Harp. 


My God, the flow of Dave!

Mighty Dave. And the weave

of Tems into the mix, and the weave

on Tems, or no, that's probably all real hair.

Goddess. 

Well, that's when I thought of you, champ. 

This album on this day I was thinking

you should take it for a spin

wherever you are and just strut.

You have a mighty fine strut.


I can only tell you what happened to me.

After a block or three I no longer cared

that it was cold,  or I was tired.

I felt I could walk all day

and deep into the night too. 




Monday, January 26, 2026

Student feedback (file for future use)

I learned about different plays and dramas that reflected on who we are, how we relate to each other, and what we came here to do. Gave deeper knowledge and understanding of my peers around me and how I interact with them. 


In A Dolls house when the woman has to stand up for herself it inspired me to do the same if I’m ever in a toxic situation. In Amadeus when Mozart would act out he was very eccentric. This was unexpected because of how talented he was in music and production. This shows that being yourself shouldn’t effect what you do, you can be amazing at something while still being you. 


Off topic, but never give up the songs you sang for us before the start of winter break. I really enjoyed it and so did everyone else.


This class definitely opened my eyes.


As a whole, I took this class to be a way to look deeper inside the words of the play constantly; these plays had multiple levels whi you were able to develop for us. 


you put a lot of effort in this class and it was shown.


A suggestion would be adding a project where we create our own scripts, film them, and present the plays, 


The plays we read in class got me interested in reading more of them in the future and even watch more drama related movies and shows.


One thing that I think will improve this class is more of the acting out when reading because it shows the real emotion of what’s going on.


This class taught me how to write my own poems, appreciate the deeper meaning of writing, and to try my best. It also taught me to be more creative and use my imagination way more than I used to. I also learned to express my thoughts through poetry. 


This class taught me how to write my own poems, appreciate the deeper meaning of writing, and to try my best. It also taught me to be more creative and use my imagination way more than I used to. I also learned to express my thoughts through poetry. 


School does have some rough times but I feel this class definitely made my senior year more enjoyable.


School does have some rough times but I feel this class definitely made my senior year more enjoyable.


 I definitely write better poems now than before.


When I first walked into class I immediately thought that I wouldn't be capable of writing to my best ability but I was wrong. I also feel that you should continue with your music and writing

career as I know you will get very far. The most memorable moment for me in this class was when you played the guitar before break. It made me sad in a way because we all got to sing together for the first time. To you I would like to say that you made poetry an enjoyable experience. When I first walked into class I immediately got myself hooked into the idea that it would be too difficult but I was able to change that mindset. This class helped me figure out that I have a passion for writing. I enjoyed being able to reflect in my moleskin and create poems

that I got to share with my friends and family.


Since the beginning of this class to now I feel like I’m a way better writer than I was before.


Another memorable moment for me was when we were writing poems and I needed help to find a word that would fit in a sentence and I asked someone next to me for help and in doing so I made a new friend. So I think that was memorable too. 


I learned a lot from this class that I could even use when I get older. It taught me to always look for the deeper meaning and details behind every word, line, or stanza. I could use this in real life when I talk to people and find out what they’re really trying to tell me through learning how to interpret poems. 


The connection, energy, and vibes were immaculate and memorable which is why I’m glad to have been in this class.


At first I really did not like poetry but as i made my own poems and read many different poems I have found an unexpected connection and love for poetry. 


 I learned that my subconscious mind is powerful and can tell me things through poetry. 


I learned that it is okay to take a couple seconds to yourself. I loved how at the beginning of every class we would close everything, put all things aside, and just take deep breaths in silence.  I dread going to most of my other senior classes, but stepping into poetry I was always stress free.


I learned that I have a creative and poetic side in me that I never knew,


I learned how to take a deep breath in and a deep breath out. I will hold that with me and do that

more often when I just need a moment where I want the world to stop and just relax and to think

about nothing.


I learned anyone can write good poetry given enough time.


I learned how to be calm. Everyday we take deep breaths together to settle ourselves for class. I started doing it every morning. I added this to my lifestyle and it truly makes my day better.


Thank you for being yourself in front of your classes.  Many people don’t do it. I think more people should forget about what people think and express what they enjoy doing as an individual without worrying about other people's comments on your life. 


I learned a lot from this class.  Poetry is very beautiful. As well as learning about the extreme writing skills of Haruki Murakami. The class was very fun and I enjoyed it very much.  I really appreciate it.


I learned that not everything has one meaning. As someone who’s favorite

subject is math, I find that I usually enjoy having a definite solution so I value this new skill.


I learned how to express the emotions that I keep locked in and turn it into writing. 


From this class, I feel the beauty of poem. I also know that a great poet can come from anywhere.

The most memorable moment is when I stood in front of the class and recited poems for extra credit. I was nervous at first, but then, I started to feel the beauty of the words and recited vividly.

I learned how to breathe and keep my mind calm. I also learned to understand myself better and think more about my feelings and relationships. This class helped me slow down and look inside my heart. It felt very real and warm.


I enjoyed singing and laughing as a class. I feel like we had a lot of good jokes and moments.


My most memorable moment was when you sang to our class right before Christmas break. The lights were dim, everyone was participating and singing along. This moment was wholesome and enjoyable.


You encourage everyone to believe they can write and make us think by asking many questions.


If I told September me that my favorite class of the semester would end up being poetry, I would’ve been shocked. I loved this class through and through, and I am so happy to have taken it. I might even start writing now, whether it be random short stories or poetry. Whatever happens, it’s going to have to wait until I have more free time. 


What I learned from this class is that poetry can be. found almost anywhere in the smallest things to the biggest situations and that the ways to interpret them are endless. As poems are not definite they are infinities. There is no set way to write one or read one.


The most unforgettable part is our surprise quizzes. When I saw those questions, I realized that I could understand the books more deeply.


Thanks for letting us just read and talk about the poetry in our own way.


I learned about different plays and dramas that reflected on who we are, how we relate to each other, and what we came here to do. Gave deeper knowledge and understanding of my peers around me and how I interact with them. 


In A Dolls house when the woman has to stand up for herself it inspired me to do the same if I’m ever in a toxic situation. In Amadeus when Mozart would act out he was very eccentric. This was unexpected because of how talented he was in music and production. This shows that being yourself shouldn’t effect what you do, you can be amazing at something while still being you. 


Off topic, but never give up the songs you sang for us before the start of winter break. I really enjoyed it and so did everyone else.


This class definitely opened my eyes.


As a whole, I took this class to be a way to look deeper inside the words of the play constantly; these plays had multiple levels whi you were able to develop for us. 


you put a lot of effort in this class and it was shown.


A suggestion would be adding a project where we create our own scripts, film them, and present the plays, 


The plays we read in class got me interested in reading more of them in the future and even watch more drama related movies and shows.


One thing that I think will improve this class is more of the acting out when reading because it shows the real emotion of what’s going on.


This class taught me how to write my own poems, appreciate the deeper meaning of writing, and to try my best. It also taught me to be more creative and use my imagination way more than I used to. I also learned to express my thoughts through poetry. 


This class taught me how to write my own poems, appreciate the deeper meaning of writing, and to try my best. It also taught me to be more creative and use my imagination way more than I used to. I also learned to express my thoughts through poetry. 


School does have some rough times but I feel this class definitely made my senior year more enjoyable.


School does have some rough times but I feel this class definitely made my senior year more enjoyable.


 I definitely write better poems now than before.


When I first walked into class I immediately thought that I wouldn't be capable of writing to my best ability but I was wrong. I also feel that you should continue with your music and writing

career as I know you will get very far. The most memorable moment for me in this class was when you played the guitar before break. It made me sad in a way because we all got to sing together for the first time. To you I would like to say that you made poetry an enjoyable experience. When I first walked into class I immediately got myself hooked into the idea that it would be too difficult but I was able to change that mindset. This class helped me figure out that I have a passion for writing. I enjoyed being able to reflect in my moleskin and create poems

that I got to share with my friends and family.


Since the beginning of this class to now I feel like I’m a way better writer than I was before.


Another memorable moment for me was when we were writing poems and I needed help to find a word that would fit in a sentence and I asked someone next to me for help and in doing so I made a new friend. So I think that was memorable too. 


I learned a lot from this class that I could even use when I get older. It taught me to always look for the deeper meaning and details behind every word, line, or stanza. I could use this in real life when I talk to people and find out what they’re really trying to tell me through learning how to interpret poems. 


The connection, energy, and vibes were immaculate and memorable which is why I’m glad to have been in this class.


At first I really did not like poetry but as i made my own poems and read many different poems I have found an unexpected connection and love for poetry. 


 I learned that my subconscious mind is powerful and can tell me things through poetry. 


I learned that it is okay to take a couple seconds to yourself. I loved how at the beginning of every class we would close everything, put all things aside, and just take deep breaths in silence.  I dread going to most of my other senior classes, but stepping into poetry I was always stress free.


I learned that I have a creative and poetic side in me that I never knew,


I learned how to take a deep breath in and a deep breath out. I will hold that with me and do that

more often when I just need a moment where I want the world to stop and just relax and to think

about nothing.


I learned anyone can write good poetry given enough time.


I learned how to be calm. Everyday we take deep breaths together to settle ourselves for class. I started doing it every morning. I added this to my lifestyle and it truly makes my day better.


Thank you for being yourself in front of your classes.  Many people don’t do it. I think more people should forget about what people think and express what they enjoy doing as an individual without worrying about other people's comments on your life. 


I learned a lot from this class.  Poetry is very beautiful. As well as learning about the extreme writing skills of Haruki Murakami. The class was very fun and I enjoyed it very much.  I really appreciate it.


I learned that not everything has one meaning. As someone who’s favorite

subject is math, I find that I usually enjoy having a definite solution so I value this new skill.


I learned how to express the emotions that I keep locked in and turn it into writing. 


From this class, I feel the beauty of poem. I also know that a great poet can come from anywhere.

The most memorable moment is when I stood in front of the class and recited poems for extra credit. I was nervous at first, but then, I started to feel the beauty of the words and recited vividly.

I learned how to breathe and keep my mind calm. I also learned to understand myself better and think more about my feelings and relationships. This class helped me slow down and look inside my heart. It felt very real and warm.


I enjoyed singing and laughing as a class. I feel like we had a lot of good jokes and moments.


My most memorable moment was when you sang to our class right before Christmas break. The lights were dim, everyone was participating and singing along. This moment was wholesome and enjoyable.


You encourage everyone to believe they can write and make us think by asking many questions.


If I told September me that my favorite class of the semester would end up being poetry, I would’ve been shocked. I loved this class through and through, and I am so happy to have taken it. I might even start writing now, whether it be random short stories or poetry. Whatever happens, it’s going to have to wait until I have more free time. 


What I learned from this class is that poetry can be. found almost anywhere in the smallest things to the biggest situations and that the ways to interpret them are endless. As poems are not definite they are infinities. There is no set way to write one or read one.


The most unforgettable part is our surprise quizzes. When I saw those questions, I realized that I could understand the books more deeply.


Thanks for letting us just read and talk about the poetry in our own way.

Saturday, January 17, 2026

Saturday night blues. (Blue is a good color in this case.)





An account. 

Sofia off to spend the night with two girlfriends (ruh roh) and Lucia is with a friend upstate. 
Gen having dinner with her gay boyfriend. (Her true love in some ways.) 
So I suddenly find myself on Rodriguez for a couple hours. 
(Rodriguez is Spanish slang for no wife or kids.)

1. I make myself a beyond burger and baked potato. Also a strawberry juice, soda water and tequila. Dayum.

2. I read from the book "Exuberance" which is an awesome study of exuberance itself. Can't remember author, but she's great. The book makes you exuberant.

3. Toggled back and forth between book and enjoying bites of dinner.

5. Put in a load of laundry.

6. Peed while reading an amazing poem by Jane Hirschfield. She's so good. Very Buddhist. You would like her.

7. Sat down to write this to you.

8. Next I will listen to the Bach Brandenburg concerto #5.

I got into it because during class it came up in the Murakami novel we are reading. 
It is discussed by two characters on a date, so I had everyone close their eyes and listen to 10 minutes of this concerto. 

Lord knows what they think of me. But it was a great class hahahaha.

9. I'm asking you to listen to it to

Note that Casals opted for piano over harpsichord. 

Listen to that piano, especially. 

10. This next part will be private. 

11. I will sing 3 songs. 

It's snowing in Manhattan, First we take Manhattan and The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side.

12. Will go play "New York Songs" with the guys until 1 am. 

13. Will come home and meet Genevieve in bed. 

Saturday, September 13, 2025

Metarelax

 It turns out that the antibiotics I am on for my blood infection cause intense dreams, and even, on very rare occasions, psychosis. They have even caused auditory hallucinations for me. This morning listening to Beethoven I heard a 1930s style blues singing in the mix, which oddly fit perfectly. I had to check Spotify to see if it was supposed to be there. Nope, just in my mind. 

But the dreams are just too intense. More intense than a tab of acid. Like 5 tabs of acid. So yeah a little scary.

Tonight is my second evening of being on the new antibiotic.

I fell asleep for a half hour tonight, then woke up breathing heavy, heart beating fast, already in the grip of the dreams.

The song that my mind sent me as I lay there was the Beatles', "Tomorrow Never Knows". God love the Beatles for providing such a beautiful blueprint. It must've helped so many get through their bad trips in the 1970s. It's still working today 50 years later.

Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream
It is not dying, it is not dying
Lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void
It is shining, it is shining
That you may see the meaning of within
It is being, it is being.

Wary of going back to sleep, I decided to watch some premier TV, another good way to relax. I turned to the next episode of Murderbot. In this episode, #6, Murderbot (played by a wonderfully droll Alexander Skarsgard) must comfort the captain who is having a panic attack. Murderbot happens to be addicted to a "premier" series called "The Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon" (starring a wonderfully droll John Cho). Murderbot is not human, but still takes comfort in distraction when "things in the real world are stressful as shit." So when the captain is having her panic attack Murderbot does his best to help her by showing her the most calming episode of Sanctuary Moon. In the episode a character is relieving a dying couple's stress by telling them, "I am breathing. I am breathing. I am breathing the crystal air." (I heard this echoed in the Beatles' melody, "It is shining. It is shining...")

The captain, watching along, begins to slow down her breath and her panic attack abates. God love Murderbot too.

It was a very meta moment, and a lovely reminder of how we take care of each other through art.

Wednesday, August 13, 2025

perfect day 8/13/25

 woke up 7am went on walk with Genevieve on the boardwalk in North Rustico. There was a statue of an Acadian fisherman in the middle of the bay. We got the bakery as it opened and there was instantly a long line. It was a crazy swarm. 

After breakfast we drove out to the Morell river and took a canoe trip down. It was like going 1000  years back in time. I had Sofia in my canoe and it was also like being outside of time with her. Timeless time. We saw beautiful angel-like jellyfish in the water. 

Then we drove to Charlottetown for lunch at The Cork and Cast. I had the best grapeleaf roll and Caesar salad AND haddock sandwich of my life. As we ate we watched Alcaraz play tennis and they were playing the best of Sly and the Family Stone on the jukebox. I was in my happy place. 

We drove 4 hours to Fredericton NB, and the drive through the NB countryside during the sunset was stunning. We listened to great music on CBC "Drive" and then a few hours of the 6th Hunger Games book. There were good discussion about the book along the way. 

Then the airb&b in Fredericton had an incredible 1880 Loeser grand piano. Sofia is learning "Heaven is a place" on it even as I write this. 

Thank you life. 

Friday, May 30, 2025

 Day off for Catholic Ascension Thurs. Finished James by Percival Everett, cleaned basement, played tennis tournament against Ross Riley, won 6-2, talked to Brian Mattson for his birthday, took the girls to school, picked up a bagel and lox for Genevieve, had dreams about not inspecting work closely enough, went to Frank Sinatra to watch the year-end Dance performance, wrote 1 and half Emily Dickinson essays on F794 and F795, practiced songs for the upcoming Kinks' Flynndig. Meditated. Worked out. Good full day. And still feeling a bit bland?

Friday, December 6, 2024

12/7/24


Today at school, The Tempest to sophomores and reading outloud Seniors' I Remember poems.

Swell night. gen at Ed's. Worked on F759, went super deep with it, so intoxicating. Then worked on songs, F755, Merry Christmas, Diamond Star by Alex Cory, You can be a poet by Noel Black. I added Truck Darling and Gerard Nerval to the mix. I added weird lines to it, hope it doesn't freak out Truck. "He liked to get his wieners all in a bun." 

Listened to Sofia play guitar for awhile, Christmas Carols,  while I looked at Lucia's pictures on her phone. 

Sofia and I walked down to Best Buy to fix a computer. Inflated battery! 

Then Lucia decided she wanted to watch a movie and told me I could pick anything after 2010. So we watched Grand Budapest Hotel. A girl on each shoulder. So good that movie. A top tenner for me. They fell asleep half way through. 

Tomorrow, Wicked. Then off to  a poetry thing with Tyler Burba. Will see Anne Waldman. Woo hoo!

Friday, November 8, 2024

11/7/24


Tonight playing Uno with Lucia, then reading her White Bird in bed. Going over to Quinn's nook  to  play classic greats, like Muddy Water, and For The Turnstiles, and Dirty Old Town, with Arthur, Lenny, Mike and Jamie. Every time like the most sophisticated wine. Way beyond that really. 

A day of teaching Patti Smith, and Villanelles,  and new Chaucer tales, and listening to kids memorize William Blake. Brilliant stuff.

Arthur asking me about the "pronunciation" of Baktib. 

Sofia going to the Xavier dance with Fynn. Teddy also there. Teddy coming home and playing Duke Ellington's Caravan with Quinn as a last song.  

I mean, really, there are so many great moments. One day is a bonanza feast. 

I didn't even  mention  all of the  food. The drinks. The books. The Prowling Bee blog. (I put up a new one, F754, Grief is a Mouse.)

I played a dozen songs by myself.  Deeply felt.

I watched the end of Disclaimer.  (Eh. But I did appreciate the twist. And Kevin Kline was wicked.)

Poems and music  and art galore. 

I gave away 5 shells. 

It was my Dad's 80th birthday. Happy birthday Dad! You're the greatest. 


Sunday, May 26, 2024

5/24/24

Line from a dream this morning: "There glides into place/ a phenomenous race/ of pseudo breakers and Bee keepers"

Woke up at 3 am and wrote of the previous day:

The day as far a as it went. Heaven sent. Bob Moon is the way it ended. (Ed: Bob Dylan's birthday, full moon) The way it began was with yoga and pushups and gardenscapes. Then cheerios with apples and cinnamon and hugs all around. Then school where there was cake and crème brûlée gelato. I taught classes on black swan green by David Mitchell. It was fire. They did a meta essay on the difference between a secret that should go public vs one that should stay private. Meanwhile I caught up on my grading and after, more gelato. Then I came home and read the New Yorker and took a nap. I spent some time today working on next Emily Dickinson poem, F719. Every one is a thrill. Walk with Genevieve to take Beatrix home. Pizza in the park for Fridays in the park. Talk to Nancy and Paul. Read Nancy's 100 word story. Listen to Paul's amazing story about The Prisoner. He will stay in the castle! Then off to Schupback gardens where we sang many songs by The Beach Boys, and Jerry Jeff Walker and the Beatles and Neil Young, with Arthur and Lenny and Jamie and Quinn. Holy singing under the full Bob moon, while singing "It takes a lot to laugh, it takes a train to cry" at the very moment an LIRR train rolls by and blows it's whistle. So elevated. Gabe depressed, over text, over the state of the world. Played tennis with another Gabriel and won. Felt good on the court, healthy at 55. Alive happy to be. Music and poetry and teaching and novels and singing and friends and wife and daughters I love and parents still alive. In the zone. Allegra prone. Burnt pop corn smell as I try to sleep. But first this burst of memory. I love you.


Saturday, November 18, 2023

memoir note. "I never met a man I didn't like."

 When I was a boy we used to travel down the Will Rogers Turnpike from Joplin MO to Tulsa OK, where friends of my parents lived. About half way there was the Will Rogers Rest-stop. At the Rest-stop there was a statue of Will Rogers. At the foot of the statue there was an inscription. "I never met a man I didn't like." 

This inscription entered my mind as a a melody.


Ba bum                   Ba bum

              Ba bum                     Ba bum      Ba

                                                                         bum.  


At the end of the melody, for the period there was a Boop!


I nev                a man

          er met                 I did'nt

                                                    like   Boop!


I believe the reason this entered my brain as a melody was because my deeper mind instantly knew that these words were important and should be remembered. 

So... it stuck with me! And it has been a lifetime to goal to try to live up to Will's words. I have been severely challenged at times to like certain people. But it's a worthwhile goal, and these challenges are worthy. 

 

                                                                   


Friday, November 17, 2023

memoir note: Thou will be what thou wilt be.

I had a vision when I was a kid in which I saw a statue deep in the recesses of my own mind. There was no head on the statue. At the foot of the statue it said, "Thou wilt be what thou wilt be."
I realized even as a kid the incredible double nature of this inscription. On one hand it could mean "thou will it to be what thou will it to be." You will be what you will yourself to be, which is about self determination. On the other hand it means "Thou will be what thou will be," which is closer to something like fate. ("wilt" is an archaic word, used in second person singular. E.g. "I will", "Thou wilt") How can both things be true at once? I knew that the balance was somewhere between the two, that I didn't have to strive, and neither did I NOT have to strive, that I could strive... striveless.
This doubleness comes back to me in the Rilke poem that ends, "You must change your life." Does this mean you need to willfully change your life? Or does it mean you must change your life, as in, you don't have a choice?
I should mention, for fun, that this statue-vision came to me in a meditation lead by the actor that played Starbuck in the hit TV show "Battlestar Galactica". My dad was at a conference selling Moldevite, and there were workshops. This guy, Dirk Benedict, who played Starbuck, was giving one of the workshops.
Starbuck helped guide me to my own future.

Grace (sing along)

 I had the idea for the whole world to sing along for peace, hoping my invite would go viral. Instead NO ONE CAME. Not one person, not my friends, not my family. I wonder why?

But though it made me feel ineffectual, it didn't sting. And I can't help but wonder if it was because I let go of it that I was given a kind of grace that far exceeded my plans. When I got to Strawberry Fields there was already a performer there and he was singing "Imagine", the very song I was going to start my sing-along with. This amazed me. I had slipped into grace, which was SOOO much bigger than me, yet included me. 

Kachuk, from Argentina, was the name of the performer. He was very good, and had the crowd singing along. It was almost as if the whole world was ALREADY singing along. I didn't have to help it happen. It was already happening. Or maybe I did have to wish for it, or put myself out there, or something.

I sang along with Kachuk for a half hour as he went through the Beatles' catalog, watching the people, transported. Then I put the playlist on my headphones, got on my bike and sang along as I rode through the park. It was glorious.

At one point in the playlist I included John Cage's 4'33'', which, if you don't know, is just 4'33'' of silence. At first it was hard to stop listening to music and listen to the park. I felt a little bored, like I was in absentia or something.  But I kept listening, and I heard the sounds of voices. I followed them until I got to a protest, an Israeli protest, hundreds of blue flags. It was the Palestinians that I had been grieving for,  but here was the pain of the other side made manifest. And I felt tears welling up. These felt like holy tears, like I had been searching for them. That's what I heard in Cage's silence.

The thing that I needed was to sing with other people, and to cry, and the way it came to me felt like grace. 

Why can't this same kind of grace be given to those suffering in the Middle East? 

The rest of the bicycle sing-along I was in a rare state of spiritual euphoria, a heightened gem-like flame of being. 

Who does this help, but me? 


Wednesday, November 1, 2023

sing along for peace

 All Saints Day Sing-along for Peace

So old school hippy I am. And proud of it. I was surprised I got only a few likes and zero RSVPs responses for my invitation to come sing along to all time great peace songs from Beatles to Pink Floyd to Bob Marley to John Cage to Bob Dylan to New Order for Gaza and Israel. Is everyone too busy? Or does it just seem dumb? It's not dumb. It's fun. And it's healing. 

I know that to some people this may seem like an embarrassing old hippy notion. And I guess, sure. But it's fun and healing. I know of which I speak. 

Here's a poem made up of lines from the line-up. Sing along as your read along. 


Let me take you down

Cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one-

Imagine all the people-

How I wish, how I wish you were here-

Let them pass all their dirty remarks  (One love!)

There is one question I'd really love to ask (One heart!)

Is there a place for the hopeless sinner

Who has hurt all mankind just to save his own beliefs?

Have pity on those whose chances grow thinner-

One more thing!

Let's get together to fight this holy Armageddon (One love!)

So when the man comes there will be no, no doom (One song!)

Saying, "Let's get together and feel alright." Wo wo-wo wo-wo!

Have pity on those whose chances grow thinner-

People have the power-

I was dreaming in my dreaming-

Vengeful aspects became suspect

and bending low as if to hear

the armies ceased advancing

because the people had their ear

and the shepherds and the soldiers

lay beneath the stars

exchanging visions

and laying arms

to waste in the dust

in the form of shining valleys

where the pure air recognized

and my senses newly opened

I awakened to the cry-

People have the power-


They say every man needs protection

they say that every man must fall

Yet I swear I see my reflection

Somewhere so high above this wall

I see my light come shining

From the West down to the East


All you need is love (all together now)

All you need is love (everybody)

All you need is love, love

Love is all you need.


Everybody's talking 'bout

this-ism, that-ism, is-m, is-m, is-m

All we are saying is give peace a chance.




Saturday, October 28, 2023

Bach's Chaconne into Faure's Requiem

 A day worth remembering. Wake up a little hungover from playing a killer practice set for the Next Waltz with the Flynndiggers in Schupback gardens. Playing with those guys under a full moon is campfire song bliss. They are so good. Witchita Lineman into Neil Young was transcendent. 

After some coffee I graded "new" Canterbury Tales from the sophomores, got through a half a dozen. Then cleaned and went to buy candy for the Halloween party at the park. (The kids have to bring  a bag of candy to be admitted to the party.) Then I played a couple hours of tennis with Gabriel. Super fun. 

After tennis went to the park's halloween party. The Ferriers won group costume. They went the extra mile and actually built a security fence like they have in the movie. Nice.

Afterwards I went home and did some more grading, and read a few Emily Dickinson poems. I'm up to 590 something. Just one banger after another. I spend some time on Prowlingbee's blog commenting on the poems I've just read. I also start Middlemarch, because it is Emily's favorite novel, as well as my favorite novelist's favorite novel (Proust, don't you know.) So how could I not. The first paragraph features these great lines,

"Her passionate, ideal nature demanded an epic life: what were many-volumed romances of chivalry and the social conquests of a brilliant girl to her? Her flame quickly burned up that light fuel; and, fed from within, soared after some illimitable satisfaction, some object which would never justify weariness, which would reconcile self-despair with the rapturous consciousness of life beyond self."

Finally the family went to eat at a Dominican restaurant in Brooklyn, Puerto Viejo. Good. Fun to see all the costumed Brooklynites out and about too 


From there we went to see a performance of Bach's Chaconne by Doori Na and Faure's Requiem at Co-cathedral of St. Joseph. Two of my favorite pieces of music. They did this incredible thing where the last note of the mind-blowing Chaconne was synced up with the first note of The Requiem, followed by singers walking down the aisles beside us toward the altar. I teared up from the pure beauty of it. 

Then home to watch an episode of "Only Murders In the Building", a show we are loving.

Full day of a full life. 




Tuesday, September 19, 2023

9/18/23

 Still alive...55! (to the tune of Van Hagar's "I can't drive 55!")


If I were to write this on FB it would be too public, but if I write it here, it's too invisible. What's the compromise? Write it here, edit it, and then put it up there? 

The students keep asking for a memoir. Really? But then I think why not. My life has been so full of stories, weird and wonderful stories. Why not write them down? Make a book?

But there is so little conflict in my life. Don't you need conflict for a good memoir? Can you have an interesting memoir if you just keep saying how great things are? Maybe the trick is to dive into the details and just never mention superlatives. Just describe them being great and let haters hate. (See, that's great, the way I just subconsciously rhymed hate with great, but if I SAY it's great, then I'm inviting hate, so therefore I'm doing it parenthetically in order to qualify it.)

Oh my Gertrude.

Okay, so let's start now. I'm 55. 

I feel like I'm living in the Matrix. I suppose I should take the red pill and see what's behind the curtain. But at heart I don't believe in that whole red pill / blue pill thing. At least not in the paranoid way the Wachowski sisters do. 

What's behind the matrix is not AI, as the movie suggests. I believe it's something else, something that can be found in the word itself. You take MA and then you combine that with the feminine ending TRIX to give it even more motherness. It's not just a MA, it's a MA TRIX. 

That woman who is the fortune teller in the movie "The Matrix"?  the one who gave Neo the cookie? That's closer to the real Matrix than any AI is. 

But here's why I think I'm living in it. Get this: last week my (impossibly?) beautiful wife was leaving a work party and had to go back in to get something she'd left behind. She gets into a conversation with a work friend, Angela, who then asks her if she wants 2 FREE tickets to see Willy Nelson and Bob Weir on Sunday IN QUEENS, at Forest Hills Stadium, a short train ride from my home. Sunday just so happened to be my birthday.  Now, if you asked me who the one living person I would most like to see in concert would be, I would say Willy Nelson. So, though I know it's a stretch, it feels as if the universe, the Matrix, God, Goddess, what have you, just handed Genevieve a pair of tickets for us to go see the show I would most like to see in a venue near our home. And to add a cherry on top of the cherry, who will be opening up for Willy and joining him on stage? Bob Weir. A note on Bob Weir. He was always my least favorite member of the Grateful Dead. But I've been coming around, largely due to his last solo album, The River. He's aging beautifully. My buddy Quinn says he'll take him over Jerry Garcia, just for his staying power. Anyway, he was the perfect opener.

It seems too good to be true right? It's a very specific kind of abundance. Unasked for. You may shrug it off. It seems almost everybody shrugs these kinds of things off. Am I over-excited by all this do you think? Or is everybody else under-excited? Sometimes I think we have an epidemic of apathy on our modern hands. As Louis CK says, everything is amazing and no one is happy. It's puzzling.

There is a lot I could say about the show itself. Willy Nelson is one of the greatest song writers alive, one of the greatest that's ever lived. He wrote "Crazy"! He wrote "Good Hearted Woman"! He wrote "I am the Forest"! But he's also got a voice that is in indelible, old as the hills, softly feminine, roughly masculine, unmistakable. And his guitar playing too is something else. There is no guitar sound like that, no picker quite so surprising and on point. 

One thing that helped make this show special was that Willy did a couple Hank Williams songs. When he started into Williams' "Move it on over" I about fell on over. Earlier that day Quinn and I were cleaning up QUIP, carting stuff from Sunnyside Gardens Park to Spaeth. Quinn turned on the radio to WKRC and "Move it on over" was playing. We both sang happily along. So when Willy layed into it later that night it was a head shaker. I often have uncanny coincidences involving my friend Quinn. Sofia has coined the word "Quinncidence" to mark those occasions.  She Quinned it you could say. This was my second crazy Quincidence in the last week. 

Let me add a quick digression here, because the last coincidence is worth quickly writing about too. It happened last Sunday, a week prior, at a gallery in the Lower East Side. My friend, the poet Greg Fuchs, was having a 20th wedding anniversary party. I met Greg in San Francisco. He also lived in New Orleans. As I was leaving the party Greg's wife Alison introduced me to a guy named Philip. I said, how d'ya do? We talked and somehow the conversation came around to the appropriate age to send kids on the subway. Philip said he had a friend that lived in Sunnyside Queens and she was 15 and now taking the subway to school. He said, she's kind of tall though, so she seems older. I looked at him funny. What's her name? I asked. Helen, he said. Helen...O'sullivan? Yes, he said. Helen is Quinn's daughter. So you know Quinn? I asked. Yep, he said, I work with him at Spaeth. But I thought you said you lived in New Orleans? I'm here on a short term job. So then, how do you know Greg? From New Orleans. 

So...I met a guy from New Orleans at a party in Manhattan that knows both the friend I met in San Francisco and my friend from Sunnyside? Quite a quinncidence. Matrix?

Anyway to get back to the Hank Williams songs. I was wondering why Willy was doing them. I had forgotten, until I saw it posted today, that yesterday was Hank Williams birthday. He would have been 100! That must be why they were playing it on the radio too.

Another digression. September 17 is also William Carlos Williams' birthday. The poet Elinor Nauen once told me that because my birthday was September 17th too, I was a Williams brother, somewhere between Hank Williams and William Carlos Williams. I'll take that. My aesthetic is in the middle space of that Venn Diagram.  

Imagine if Hank was still alive. 100 and playing Forest Hills

I think I might take Willy over Hank though. Equally great songwriters, but Willy is a Buddha. 

Okay, so that's Saturday. 

That doesn't even get into QUIP, which happened the day before, on Saturday. I guess I have to go into that now. But I'm so tired. Maybe tomorrow. 

Okay, so yeah. Matrix pulled out the stops for the birthday boy. Thanks Ma.